And Now for Something Completely Different

Today, I am providing you, our doting fan(s), with a little something off of the beaten path. I am going to review an album of great artistic significance. Now you may be thinking to yourself, what is so unique about reviewing music? Well, the way I do it is unique in that I only listen to the songs once and I only use the 30-second sample provided by iTunes. Based on this extensive research I form a completely arbitrary opinion about the song and ultimately the album.

For my first foray into reviewing music, I am going to check out the new Jennifer Lopez album, Brave. Is there always room for J-Lo? Let’s find out.

1. Stay Together – This song chronicles a young woman’s desire to fight through the issues plaguing her relationship with an untoward young man. Near as I can figure she is compelled to stay together instead of breaking up. Moving on…
2. Forever – I don’t know, she sings “follow me” for what feels forever and then some really cheesy, simplistic synthesizer beats come in as the chorus fades out. Definite chart topper.
3. Hold It Don’t Drop It – “I can’t control it, you’ve put something into me.” Hmm, methinks J-Lo is hinting at something here. No mention of what should be held onto, however I could venture a guess that she’s not talking about her virginity.
4. Do It Well – Is it me or is this title suggestive? Does anyone remember when J-Lo was on In Living Color as one of the “Fly Girls”? She did not look good. In fact, I would say she looked rather manish. Oh, the song’s over.
5. Gotta Be There – J-Lo flaunts her geography skills naming a variety of US cities she is touring through and how her “friend” has gotta be there. Some could argue she is channeling Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys with this tactic. That argument is probably a loser.
6. Never Gonna Give Up – “It’s so good, don’t wanna hear no woulda, coulda, maybe I shoulda stayed with someone who never knew I was so true.” Tough to tell what she is NOT going to give up, but I recommend her day job. Zing. Criticizing is fun.
7. Mile In These Shoes – Oh, thank goodness someone is brave enough to stand up to the world and talk about how tough she is for being in the perpetual media spotlight. That J-Lo, she’s one bad-ass, Gucci toting, Benz driving, bling wearing, champion of the working class. Stay strong you sultry souljah.
8. The Way It Is – I completely blanked out with this one.
9. Be Mine – Is it a sign of trouble when an alleged songwriter borrows lyrics from those awful Valentine’s Day candies? The B-side to this song is “Forever Yours.”
10. I Need Love – This is not the first thing that comes to mind when I think of what J-Lo needs. Really, I think she needs to catch a clue and realize she’s dating Marc Anthony. What the hell is she thinking? He looks like Frankenstein’s monster with a heroin addiction. Is that mean? I may have crossed a line. I’ll go back to mocking her music.
11. Wrong When You’re Gone – “I just feel bad cause now all I’m left with is these shoulda, coulda, wouldas cause you’re gone. Now I’m out here trippin’ cause you came up missin’ and my head keeps spinnin’…” I dare say the lyrics of the gods could not sound as majestic in scope or in emotion. I can’t wait until Bono starts using “trippin” in his songs. I think the world needs that. Plus, I should point out that I am only listening to the 30 second clips, yet somehow she worked "shoulda, woulda, coulda" into two different songs and I happened to hear them. I'm no expert, but that probably is not a sign of strong song-writing skills.
12. Brave – Let me tell you about bravery. J-Lo thinks it is about facing a world where either she has lost another guy, or can’t match her purse to her sunglasses. I beg to differ. What I’m doing for the entertainment of our reader(s) is brave. Warning them about these self-aggrandizing songs is brave.
13. Do It Well (featuring Ludacris?) – It could be that Luda sold out. On the other hand, maybe he busts out some lines about getting girls into their birthday suuuuuiiiittttss, which could redeem him. Unfortunately, he is not heard in the 30 seconds, so who knows what his role is.

J-Lo fans will be satisfied with this recent effort, however they have no taste. Buyers beware. I need a shower.