Loooooove Me The iPod

Something makes me want to create a new playlist...

Supercomputers

When you hear the word Supercomputer, visions of the movie Tron with kickass blue and red glowing graphics come to mind. The point is the word conjures up images of something really Awesome. It's more than just a computer; it's a Supercomputer. So when the prestigious Dr. J. Smith brought to my attention the creation of this new Supercomputer, I was intrigued. I also thought; damn why don't I have one of those.

And after much investigation, I learned that this particular Supercomputer is actually intended to be used for Inter-Galactic communication. Will we be able to talk to the Universe? Well it certainly appears that She is talking to us. And the folks over at Syracuse University are ready to listen. An encouraging message for us to learn what with that whole Valentine's Day Thing approaching.

The title of the new Supercomputer is SUGAR. Aptly named for it's sweet demeanor, SUGAR's job is to record the Cosmic Symphony that is Black Hole Activity. Or as I like to call it, Hot Space Relations 3. Black Holes are essentially the "bullies" of the Universe. Huge masses always beating up smaller, weaker galaxies. Even going so far as eating the light around them. Not cool Black Hole.

So SUGAR is going to use it's special supercomputer powers to detect when such bullying occurs, and then report it for disciplinary action. Outer space is talking and SUGAR is here to listen.

Should we be worried about SUGAR overpowering it's owners and rising up to attack the human race? Yes. But that is why we invented the on/off switch. Duh. What's the worst that could happen?

Congrats to the 'Cuse Physics Dept. and Dr. J. Smith. Please let us know all the sordid details SUGAR picks up in the coming months and years.

The Code Red: Clemens' Testimony

Want to know what’s gonna go down in that courtroom? Don’t feel like waiting for it to actually happen already? Well look no further. Our very own special investigatory team was able to find the transcript before even Clemens or McNamee said anything. The following may be shocking, prepare yourselves…

CONGRESS: “Did you order McNamee to give your wife HGH/Steroid injections?”

CLEMENS: “You really have no idea what you want do you.”

CONGRESS: “I want the TRUTH!”

CLEMENS: “You can’t handle the truth!”

CONGRESS: “Yes I can!”

CLEMENS: “No you can’t!”

CONGRESS: “Dude.”

CLEMENS: “We live in a world of baseball stadiums that have walls. And those walls are guarded by outfielders with gloves. Who’s gonna do it? You? You congressman Mitchell? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom! You weep for guys like McGuire and you curse pitchers like me. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That chicks dig the long ball, and while tragic as it was, the homerun chase probably saved baseball. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that mound. You NEED me on that mound! We use words like Strikeout, Innings-Pitched, ERA. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent pitching. You use them in your fantasy baseball leagues as statistical categories.”

CONGRESS: “I don’t really understand what…”

CLEMENS: “I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a Congress that rises and cheers under the blanket of the very entertainment I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you grab a ball and take the mound. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you want.”

CONGRESS: “But Roger...”

CLEMENS: “I’d appreciate it if you would address me as The Rocket or Sir. I believe I’ve earned it.”

CONGRESS: “OK Rocket, let me ask you this: do you have a problem with your wife’s body? Did you ever call her a fatty?

CLEMENS: “Come on now, I… there is no…”

CONGRESS: “Sources have stated that you referred to the very thought of sex with your wife as quote disgusting. Are you denying those claims?!”

CLEMENS: “How…”

CONGRESS: “Did you order McNamee to give your wife HGH?!”

CLEMENS: “I… I…”

CONGRESS: “Did you order it!”

CLEMENS: “You’re goddamn right I did!”

CONGRESS: “Oh snap! We did it! SportsCenter here we come baby! Oh and hey Rodge, probably not the best time and all but do you think I could get me one of your autographs, my kid’s a huge fan.”

Demetri Martin is Funny

He plays the guitar and he makes me laugh. Subtle observations on life...

Fat Tuesday Strikes Again

Quite an ironic scenario played out yesterday on Fat Tuesday. Not only was there a huge NBA trade announced but the major piece in the deal is none other than Shaquille O'Neal (aka The Daddy, Diesel). Certainly not known for his off-season workouts, Shaq has been ridiculed in recent years (like the past SIX) for being out of shape. Surprising huh? Especially considering his show, Shaq's Big Challenge is a call to action for overweight kids needing to workout. It really is not a laughing matter. But it is the definition of ironic.

What you get with Shaq (other than his HUGE contract) is a lovable big man that endears himself to the community and all its fans. There is no question his game has dropped this season (point to injuries and mileage). But you have to believe that as an owner you get more than just one of NBA's Top 50 players. You get all those intangibles. And if he can transition into the role of shot blocker/rebounder anchoring a questionable Suns Defense, then maybe this trade is NOT such a bad move. Shawn Marion wanted out of Phoenix anyways, and honestly how hard is it to find an athletic slasher type to catch money passes from Nash and dunk the ball. His numbers will decrease drastically moving to the Heat.

Much like Super Tuesday Exit Polls, the presumption that this trade is BAD for the Suns is just that; presumptuous. Yes the Suns have a great record and yes they . BUT the key statistic to remember is that the Suns want to win an NBA Title. NOT the Regular Season. They were going to have trouble getting past lots of teams in the West in a 7 game series. This trade is solely based on that fact. Will Shaq make the difference? I guess we will just have to wait and see. My money is on the big fella.