Trade Kobe

Dear Laker Front Office:

Please trade Kobe Bryant.

Please ship this malcontent to another team, so we may be rid of the non-stop soap opera and get back to what matters: winning basketball games. He complained about not being the Alpha Dog while Shaq was in town. He pouted about the treatment he received from Phil in his first tenure with the team. He forced the Lakers to trade Shaq by filing for free agency. And now he complains about not having adequate talent around him to win a title. Nothing can please Kobe, and even when he gets what he wants he changes his mind and blames everyone else for creating his mess.

Please stop being blinded by his jaw-dropping highlights to realize that he is all flash and no substance. Yes, he scored 81 points in a game and has the uncanny ability to knock down game-winners, but he has won all of 4 playoff games in the post-Shaq era. His teams have finished 7th in the division the last two seasons and been sent home in the first round of the playoffs both times. And it could be argued that there is more collective talent on these teams than there was on the championship squads. Currently, he is surrounded by Odom, Bynum, Turiaf, Walton, Evans, Crittendon, Farmar, Fisher, Radman, Mihm, and Brown. Those championship teams had Shaq, Fisher, Fox, Horry, Green, Shaw, and Devean George. Oh, and I forgot about Madsen. With the exception of Shaq, the young talent surrounding Kobe now is arguably as good if not better than the savvy veterans on the championship teams. If he is as valuable as he outwardly should be, he would be able to take this group of young, talented players and move them beyond the first round. In fact, he seemed poised to do just that last season as the team started 26-13. Then the injuries mounted, the wheels came off, and the painful off-season began. A true leader, a selfless teammate, and a team legend would have carried the team through the injuries, through a disappointing first-round exit and vowed to come back stronger, more committed, and more supportive of the team the next season. Unfortunately, Kobe lacks such leadership skills. He is not capable of carrying teammates. He is only adept at bashing them to fans outside of supermarkets, in the media, and also behind closed doors. I don’t question his unparalleled desire to compete. I question his ability to lead, to support, and to be a teammate. Without those skills all we are left with are memories of an 81 point game against Toronto and first-round flameouts against Phoenix. Individual triumphs and team failures.

Please realize that the only way to win another championship is to begin by trading the best player in the game.*

* = any trade must be for a player or group of players from Phoenix, Dallas, Washington, or Chicago as mentioned in an article on ESPN.com. Any trade involving the Lakers acquiring crappy players is not acceptable.

Mystical Magical Creatures

OK so we have all heard of Ligers, I mean they're prally like my favorite animal. BUT can you imagine my disbelief when I came across the much lesser-known yet just as special Zonkey. Yes you heard correctly, the Zonkey, half-Zeebra half-Donkey. This plucky side-kick character is best known for his witty comments and surprising quickness. I challenge anyone to try and catch a Zonkey. It just can't be done. Seriously, they will make you look foolish and then crack a joke about it.

How does this pertain to sports you ask? Well I was watching a Lakers pre-season game the other night (pathetic I know) and it just hit me like a ton of bricks, Kobe Bryant is a mystical magical creature much like the legendary Liger. He is not simply one genotype like most of us, but a special combination of equally bad-ass yet different types. Kobe is a hybrid between Michael Jordan, Jerry West, Oscar Robertson, and Keyshawn Johnson.

Let's analyze it, he has MJ's ability to get to the hoop and hang for the finish. Not to mention his tenacity on the defensive-end. He even sounds like him in his interviews, I am still waiting for the patented Jordan-tongue to show up sometime soon. Then of course you have all those game-winners, is there anyone you would rather have with the ball as the clock winds down than Mr. Clutch? Jerry West is the fracken Logo of the NBA shooting a 63 foot game-tying bucket, you can't get more money than that and clearly Kobe has those "no pressure genes" in him. And then on to the ball-handling skills reminiscent of another shooting guard known simply as "The Big O". His handles are not just impressive visually but more importantly they are effective dribbling skills. Of course he has some Keyshawn Johnson in him as he definitely wants the damn ball (which as all Lakers fans know led to superman heading east).

Anyways, let me know what you think. Maybe there is a better combo describing Kobe's skills? Are there other athletes in your opinion that appear to be a cross between previous greats? How about a little discussion on what combination would make the greatest athlete? All sports included, football, bball, baseball, ping-pong, jai-alai, etc.
Let me throw out a mix of ernie mckracken and donny (from Big Lebowski) as the ultimate bowling machine. "You're on a gravy train with biscuit wheels". Unstoppable.