Tom Brady Mancrush

Captain Awesome is unstoppable

Jumbo-Tron

We’ve all been there before. Having some good clean fun at a ballgame with your friends when all of a sudden you look up and one of your buddies is up on the Jumbo-Tron. Exciting right? Wrong. The next 10 seconds could drastically change his/her life forever. It is a little known fact that many a coup de tat was started from a simple Jumbo-Tron incident. Look it up.

It’s like watching a train wreck happen. You don’t want to watch but you can’t take your eyes away from the screen. Time slows down, you see the move coming but you cannot react fast enough. And before you know it your friend has taken his shirt off and is chanting indecipherable gibberish at the crowd. Perhaps the chicken dance comes next or maybe some roll the dice action. Not pretty.

But why? Can we possibly resist this Pavlovian Jumbo-Tron response? I have decided to start a new public service announcement campaign promoting Jumbo-Tron safety (the multi-colored wristbands are forthcoming). The message is simple: Help Me Help You or Don’t Be Such a Dumbass.

Will this be hard? Hell yes this will be hard. A person is smart, but people are big dumb animals. And when that crowd starts cheering and the peer pressure kicks in, there is almost no stopping the impending stupidity. Dance monkey dance. Yes you are up on the big screen for the whole arena to see. And yes your body is telling you to do something. But be strong people. Together we can beat this thing.

Losing is the NEW Winning

What’s the difference between being labeled a winner or a loser? Some might say winning versus losing. Those some would be wrong. Way wrong. If you lose every game you play, aren’t you just really good at winning the battle of losing? Did I just blow your f-ing mind!

The worst winning percentage (or BEST losing percentage if you accept my logic and I think you do) in the history of the NBA (minus expansion teams) goes to… drum roll please… The CLIPPERS! Who would have thought?! Oh, yeah… me too.

Anyways, this plucky franchise started back in 1970 in Atlanta before moving to the whales’ vaj in ’78 and eventually its final resting place (there has to be a better way to say that) L.A. in ’84. Their impressive list of streaks includes 5, count ‘em FIVE winning seasons over the course of their 38 year history! But you know what they say, five is better than four. Yes it is Clipps. Yes it is.

And so I have some advice for Clippers fan(s) out there. Accentuate the positives. Sure it’s another season where your franchise guy is either A)injured or B)in the process of leaving due to free agency to go do great things for some other team (see Ron Harper, Tom Chambers, Danny Manning, Bob McAdoo, etc.).

And yes you still do live in a city where you have to always contend with “superior” Lakers fans giving you playful nicknames like “loser” and “you-don’t-belong-here!” Not to mention the noogies every time they see you. Damn those noogies.

And yes your owner is Donald Sterling (or the OD for the Original Donald as I like to call him) who prides himself in being the WORST owner in the history of ownership. Seriously, he actually has business cards that say that. That and CHEAPEST bastard ever!

BUT there are positives to be proud of: Losing is the NEW Winning. Everyone’s doing it. And although you do boast the worst single-season record for wins at 12 for the Pacific Division of the Western Conference, you do NOT have the worst single-season record EVER, which belongs to the Philadelphia 76ers (9 wins). Those guys have sucked worse! That seems like something to celebrate.

The Clippers possess a career .367 winning percentage over the course of the franchise history. That’s a helluva good batting average in baseball! You know what that statistic says to me? Every time a fan comes to a game they have OVER a 1 in 3 chance of seeing a win. Better odds than the lottery my friend.

In conclusion, should the Clippers organization be ridiculed for their less-than-stellar winning percentage? Should over-weight people be mocked simply because they are fat? I think NOT, no they should be applauded for being REALLY fracken good at eating. It’s not easy being the step-child of a loveless marriage. Or a franchise owned by the OD. There is more to life than being skinny or winning. And the Clippers get that.