To Grunt or Not To Grunt

That is the question. One Australian girl appears to have had this decision made for her. The 9 yr old tennis player was recently banned for a month from playing at her local club due to the noise she makes during competition. In other words, she grunts loud.

This has to be the first case of grunting gone bad. Although there is something about the word grunt in general that makes you not like it. When is a grunt a good thing? Even baby grunts are not cute.

Grunting in tennis is just a glorified scream really. Monica Seles has often been dubbed the Originator of the grunt. She even leveraged her grunting into some lucrative marketing campaigns. The most notable current tennis grunter is of course Maria Sharapova. She just so happens to be this little girl’s favorite player. Maybe the reason people don’t have a problem with Sharapova grunting is the fact that she looks a this. Why do I feel like being bossed around after watching one of her matches? In bed.

But apparently grunting is a part of her game. And the question has to be does grunting give an athlete a competitive advantage? I had to get to the truth of the power behind the grunt. And so, in an attempt to create my own episode of Sports Science, the Grunt Experiment was born. Using one of those Drive Slower MPH Detectors parked on the side of the road, I tested the Grunt Hypothesis that shots hit with a grunt move faster than shots hit without a grunt. The results just may shock you.

I managed to hit the tennis ball 125 MPH faster with the grunt. I have since decided to utilize the grunt in all facets of my life. Never before have I typed so strongly. I will be needing a new keyboard however.

So does grunting actually create more power behind the tennis shot? Yes. The answer is a definitive yes. Don’t be the guy to go against science dude.

Human Giant: Rollerblading

Definitely the hardest part...

Utopia

Just found this link and felt I had to share. We all know The Fellowship is actively looking for the Shire... perhaps they found it. JTJ is so jealous right now.

Loooooove Me The iPod

Something makes me want to create a new playlist...

Supercomputers

When you hear the word Supercomputer, visions of the movie Tron with kickass blue and red glowing graphics come to mind. The point is the word conjures up images of something really Awesome. It's more than just a computer; it's a Supercomputer. So when the prestigious Dr. J. Smith brought to my attention the creation of this new Supercomputer, I was intrigued. I also thought; damn why don't I have one of those.

And after much investigation, I learned that this particular Supercomputer is actually intended to be used for Inter-Galactic communication. Will we be able to talk to the Universe? Well it certainly appears that She is talking to us. And the folks over at Syracuse University are ready to listen. An encouraging message for us to learn what with that whole Valentine's Day Thing approaching.

The title of the new Supercomputer is SUGAR. Aptly named for it's sweet demeanor, SUGAR's job is to record the Cosmic Symphony that is Black Hole Activity. Or as I like to call it, Hot Space Relations 3. Black Holes are essentially the "bullies" of the Universe. Huge masses always beating up smaller, weaker galaxies. Even going so far as eating the light around them. Not cool Black Hole.

So SUGAR is going to use it's special supercomputer powers to detect when such bullying occurs, and then report it for disciplinary action. Outer space is talking and SUGAR is here to listen.

Should we be worried about SUGAR overpowering it's owners and rising up to attack the human race? Yes. But that is why we invented the on/off switch. Duh. What's the worst that could happen?

Congrats to the 'Cuse Physics Dept. and Dr. J. Smith. Please let us know all the sordid details SUGAR picks up in the coming months and years.

The Code Red: Clemens' Testimony

Want to know what’s gonna go down in that courtroom? Don’t feel like waiting for it to actually happen already? Well look no further. Our very own special investigatory team was able to find the transcript before even Clemens or McNamee said anything. The following may be shocking, prepare yourselves…

CONGRESS: “Did you order McNamee to give your wife HGH/Steroid injections?”

CLEMENS: “You really have no idea what you want do you.”

CONGRESS: “I want the TRUTH!”

CLEMENS: “You can’t handle the truth!”

CONGRESS: “Yes I can!”

CLEMENS: “No you can’t!”

CONGRESS: “Dude.”

CLEMENS: “We live in a world of baseball stadiums that have walls. And those walls are guarded by outfielders with gloves. Who’s gonna do it? You? You congressman Mitchell? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom! You weep for guys like McGuire and you curse pitchers like me. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That chicks dig the long ball, and while tragic as it was, the homerun chase probably saved baseball. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that mound. You NEED me on that mound! We use words like Strikeout, Innings-Pitched, ERA. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent pitching. You use them in your fantasy baseball leagues as statistical categories.”

CONGRESS: “I don’t really understand what…”

CLEMENS: “I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a Congress that rises and cheers under the blanket of the very entertainment I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you grab a ball and take the mound. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you want.”

CONGRESS: “But Roger...”

CLEMENS: “I’d appreciate it if you would address me as The Rocket or Sir. I believe I’ve earned it.”

CONGRESS: “OK Rocket, let me ask you this: do you have a problem with your wife’s body? Did you ever call her a fatty?

CLEMENS: “Come on now, I… there is no…”

CONGRESS: “Sources have stated that you referred to the very thought of sex with your wife as quote disgusting. Are you denying those claims?!”

CLEMENS: “How…”

CONGRESS: “Did you order McNamee to give your wife HGH?!”

CLEMENS: “I… I…”

CONGRESS: “Did you order it!”

CLEMENS: “You’re goddamn right I did!”

CONGRESS: “Oh snap! We did it! SportsCenter here we come baby! Oh and hey Rodge, probably not the best time and all but do you think I could get me one of your autographs, my kid’s a huge fan.”

Demetri Martin is Funny

He plays the guitar and he makes me laugh. Subtle observations on life...

Fat Tuesday Strikes Again

Quite an ironic scenario played out yesterday on Fat Tuesday. Not only was there a huge NBA trade announced but the major piece in the deal is none other than Shaquille O'Neal (aka The Daddy, Diesel). Certainly not known for his off-season workouts, Shaq has been ridiculed in recent years (like the past SIX) for being out of shape. Surprising huh? Especially considering his show, Shaq's Big Challenge is a call to action for overweight kids needing to workout. It really is not a laughing matter. But it is the definition of ironic.

What you get with Shaq (other than his HUGE contract) is a lovable big man that endears himself to the community and all its fans. There is no question his game has dropped this season (point to injuries and mileage). But you have to believe that as an owner you get more than just one of NBA's Top 50 players. You get all those intangibles. And if he can transition into the role of shot blocker/rebounder anchoring a questionable Suns Defense, then maybe this trade is NOT such a bad move. Shawn Marion wanted out of Phoenix anyways, and honestly how hard is it to find an athletic slasher type to catch money passes from Nash and dunk the ball. His numbers will decrease drastically moving to the Heat.

Much like Super Tuesday Exit Polls, the presumption that this trade is BAD for the Suns is just that; presumptuous. Yes the Suns have a great record and yes they . BUT the key statistic to remember is that the Suns want to win an NBA Title. NOT the Regular Season. They were going to have trouble getting past lots of teams in the West in a 7 game series. This trade is solely based on that fact. Will Shaq make the difference? I guess we will just have to wait and see. My money is on the big fella.

The AMERICAN IDOL-ization of the Super Bowl

So I turn on my TV Super Bowl Sunday morning to kick off the big day with some awesome pre-game to get amped up. I find the Super Bowl Extravaganza on Fox and hesitantly switch the channel as this station represents all that is wrong in the world. But I manage to overcome my fears and press select. Commercials are on so I am O.K., for now.

Commercials come to a close and who do I see on my television screen but none other than Mr. I Swear I'm Not Gay himself. Yes I am speaking of Ryan Seacrest. My inner voice laughs hysterically and my outer body does its best Seinfeld impersonation saying “Newman!” Day NOT starting out as hoped...

I come to discover over the course of the ensuing hours leading up to the game that Fox has decided to have Seacrest on the “Red Carpet” of the Super Bowl. He doesn’t appear to be anywhere near the stadium and no players are ever seen being interviewed. What we do get is plenty of Paula Abdul lip-synching and other Idol promotional activities. Score one for the Football fan.

And so I am left wondering, is it too much to ask to have my football separate from all Seacrest/Idol related elements? The answer according to Fox is a resounding YES! Where will this cross-promotional branding stop? Is Seacrest going to be on the field doing interviews next Super Bowl? It’s called escalation. And as long as Fox controls our Super Bowl destiny then American Idol will be a part of it. It’s certainly not going away. More people vote for Idol contestants than Presidential Candidates in this Country. Still wondering why the U.S. is in its current state? Yeah, me neither.

Why am I on your T.V. screen when you expected to be watching the Super Bowl? Many are wondering this, but then again, why am I so gay?

Jackie Moon

Sixty percent of the time, Jackie Moon delivers pure Gold EVERYTIME.


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