To Trade or Not To Trade

That is the question. And I think we have our answer.

Never before has ONE mid-season move created so much residual impact as the Pau Gasol trade that went down earlier this year. That one trade resulted in two legitimate Western Conference Title contenders (as previously constructed) to make major changes to their lineups. In what I like to call the "Drastic Overreaction", Dallas ditched up and coming PG Devon Harris for aging J Kidd and the Suns (who were one game away from winning the West last season) gave up Shawn Marion for aging Shaquille O'Neal. Both trades were done in order to win NOW. How'd that work out?

On a day when two teams punched their tickets to the Western Conference Semifinals, it was the guys who DIDN'T make the big trades that came out victorious. Both the Suns and the Mavs had their title hopes thwarted last night with first round exits. Oops.

And as the Temptations said so eloquently, what becomes of the broken hearted? The Mavs will no doubt part ways with the Little General (Coach Avery Johnson) as Cuban and he have not seen eye-to-eye for awhile now. And his ability not to get them out of the first round the past two seasons does not bode well. Add in to the mix that he clearly was not all too thrilled with losing his groomed PG Harris for the older Jason Kidd and you have a recipe for distaster. Would getting rid of Avery be the right move?Unfortunately for the Mavs, ever since they lost in the NBA Finals in 2006 (only the third time that a team lost in the Finals after winning the first two games) they have struggled mentally to regain that confidence in the playoffs. Last season they became only the 3rd team to lose as the #1 seed to an 8 seed in the first round. That's the wrong side of history again. And now they are out again in the first round this year. I think Avery is a very good coach but this team is scarred mentally and there does need to be some changes made. Personally I wouldn't get rid of the coach but can he co-exist with the veteran Kidd and give him more responsibility over running the team? IF Kidd is going to stay and Avery remains the coach, then there will need to be some serious team building exercises in this off-season. Trust Falls anyone?

And how about the Big Cactus? Shaq promised that the sun would rise in Phoenix when he arrived but it seems that he got the rising thing mixed up with the setting thing. He appeared to be rejuvenated arriving in Phoenix and moving better than he had been in Miami but he still showed in the Spurs series that his lift and movement are considerably down. I never thought I would see the day when Shaq couldn't throw down a dunk right around the basket. Tough to watch. His inability to play D on the pick and roll (standing at the basket when your guy sets a ball screen for Tony Parker at the 3 line is NOT an effective strategy) was a major factor in the Spurs scoring at will. His enormous contract is going to be hard to move so I think he will be a Sun for awhile meaning get used to the new look Suns.
Does that mean D'Antoni is out? His preferred style of play requires athletes that run fast and score even faster. Shaq doesn't exactly fit into that mold. Something has to give here.

So what have we learned kids. Making a move for the sake of making a move; not smart. Don't mess with a good thing. Should be an interesting off-season for these two clubs.

And now we are left to watch more Spurs basketball this post-season (thanks a lot Phoenix).

The NBA: Where Amazing Happens… Unless You Live in Seattle

The National Basketball Association is supposed to be where caring happens. I've heard it, you've heard it, we've all heard it. But something tells me the people of Seattle aren't feeling all warm and fuzzy inside these days.

The League voted this week to approve the move of the Seattle Supersonics to Oklahoma City despite numerous requests and pending lawsuits from Seattle politicians/citizens to keep the team there. And so a city with over 40 years of NBA basketball history is left to come to grips with the simple fact that the League is abandoning them. And I don't mean abandoning them in one of those "this is best for you" kind of ways. They are straight up leaving them behind. No stopping at GO to collect $200, just continue on around the board to Jail.

What's the reason? Two words: Luxury Boxes. Yet another franchise is skipping town because they can't get the newest biggest arena with the special rooms for the corporate sponsors. And the real sports fans WIN AGAIN! YIPPEEEE!

Yes sadly it all comes down to a new arena. Or in other words, the cheddar. As it turns out, the fans of Seattle are a little tired of spending their own money to build new arenas. After all, they just footed the bill for the new NFL Stadium and the new MLB Stadium over the last 9 years. They love their sports and all but 3 new arenas in less than 10 years all covered by the fans in the form of tax dollars? Seems a bit excessive even for the typical Dr. Frasier Crane-type.
Shouldn't the owners be funding AT LEAST half of the bill on these things? It's not like the citizens are sharing in the appreciation of the value of the team. Sure they might get more investment into the city and reap some secondary benefits, but let's be honest, the owners are the big winners in this deal.

It shouldn't be very surprising. Fans have been getting screwed for centuries. That's America's pastime. In today's sports environment (and really society as a whole), loyalty is as rare as seeing Kanye West not complain after he doesn't win an award. That's rare.

But who's the blame? Well you could say the writing was on the wall the moment Howard Schultz (Starbucks CEO and previous Sonics owner) sold the team to Clay Bennett (and his Oklahoma City conglomerate). Obviously this guy and his posse (no matter what terms I use I cannot for the life of me make middle aged white businessmen cool) had no intention of keeping the team in Seattle. Duh. So Schultz officially signed away the Sonics when he sold the team back in 2006.
Or perhaps you want to look at Bennett, who we now know intended to move the team all along. His "good faith" arrangement to try and keep the team in Seattle consisted of buying a few latte machiatios, shaking some politicians hands, and making a gee whiz face when that didn't work. Oh well.

Which brings me to my next point: why are all billionaires douchebags? OK so that might be a bit vague and harsh. But at least 98% of them are. They got rich by being that way. And once you make that first billion, there's no turning back. Oh that first billion...

How come there is never a billionaire owner who just owns a team for the passion of being a fan? How cool would that be. You have enough money, just forget about the bottom line and build a fun team for the fans (that includes you) to enjoy. Think of it as your charity project.

The closest example that comes to mind is Mark Cuban (owner of the Dallas Mavericks). He puts money into the club in the hopes of getting the best/most exciting team he can field. This in turn results in selling out the arena as well as raising the overall franchise value. That's what I call a win win. It's not like Seattle is struggling to get fans and that's WITH a crappy team playing there. Case in point, Shutlz and his group paid $200 million for the Sonics in '01 and sold them for $350 million in '06. Not too shabby. I wonder how much the fans got outta that one.Of course there is the whole "legal" argument that says the team has a lease with the arena through 2010 (last I checked it's still 2008). Not to mention a lawsuit from season ticket holders saying they were duped into believing the team would be staying when purchasing tickets.

And just this week Schultz filed a lawsuit against the Oklahoma City Gang to halt the move. Turns out Schultz doesn't enjoy being told he sucks everytime he walks around the corner in Seattle. Even crazed Starbucks aficionados addicted to his java would not hesitate to kick him in the shins after this maneuver. But with the League having already voted to approve the move, is his return to save the team too late? Watch next week as this saga continues to unfold...

And remember Seattle fans, you saw Shawn Kemp aka The Rainman back before he got old and fat skying through Key Arena. And The Glove d-ing up on Jordan before he sold out to win a title in LA, I mean Miami. You hold on to that. Hold on to those memories. And pour a little out for those Supersonics...

NBA Playoff Talk

So the first round games of the NBA Playoffs are in the books and you would think I might offer up some detailed analysis breaking down all the ins and outs of the matchups. You'd be wrong. Dead wrong.

I came across this picture and just had to comment. This guy is living the dream. Zaza Pachulia "plays" for the Atlanta Hawks (yes they are in the NBA and yes they are in the playoffs, I know). Below is his picture from the Atlanta Hawks team page. Seriously dude? I didn't know Hotlanta was looking for more guido Scarface lookalikes. Miami is that way bro.


Also I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall this weekend (very funny, not as good as Superbad but better than Knocked Up) and the british rock singer steals the show. The actor's name is Russell Brand and I think he will be blowing up here in the US soon. Very funny. How does this relate to the NBA Playoffs you ask? Well not so much, although he does look surprisingly close to Luis Scola of the Houston Rockets. And both of them could easily be confused for former t.v. show The O.C. super cool dad, actor Peter Gallagher. Come to think of it so does Pachulia, that just blew my mind...

OK so after a couple games here is where I see these series finishing up:

The WEST
Lakers over Nuggets in 5 (enver (no D) somehow outshoots Lakers for 1 game max)
Hornets over Mavs in 6 (too much Paul and too old Kidd)
Spurs over Suns in 7 (defenseless Suns lose out to mentally tough Spurs)
Utah over Houston in 4 (tough to win in Utah for even the best teams)

The EAST
Boston over Atlanta in 4 (duh)
Detroit over Philly in 7 (the young kids have come to play)
Orlando over Toronto in 5 (superman in the building)
Cavs over Wiz in 4 (don't piss off the King)

Fan Participation

Baron Davis has started the Fear The Beard campaign promoting fans in the Bay Area to grow their beards in support of the Warriors. Quick Footnote: my lack of facial hair growth precludes me from participating in said event. But that’s neither here nor there.

So it got me thinking, what other promotions could Professional Athletes advocate around the league? And here is the fruit of my labor:

Matt Leinart could sponsor Sorority Wet T-shirt Contest Night (it’s called Tuesdays at his house).

Kobe Bryant could promote the Buy-Your-Wife-Huge-Adultery-Diamonds Campaign. Based on statistical data there should be plenty of guys needing to get into this one.

Steve Nash could stay in the same category as Baron and do the grow your hair out thing. Although something tells me there are already plenty of middle-aged balding men rocking the Long-in-the-Back look in Phoenix.

Pacman Jones could start the strip-club of the week special. Just bring your sticky ticket stubs to the games and get twenty one dollar bills from Pacman himself.

Jeff Van Gundy could support a “Be Jeff! Night” where fans shave the top of their head, don’t sleep for a week, and grimace like they have an ulcer all the time. Should be fun.

Carmelo Anthony can start the new NBA Cares message promoting drunk driving. It’s not SO bad after all is it? The catch on this one is to make sure and only do it at the most important moments of your professional career. Like during the Playoffs or the night before your big presentation. Also let the police know that you are following the lead of your boy Melo (by showing your bar stamps on your hand) and they will for sure do you a solid too.

The Cincinnati Reds could do a throwback game honoring Pete Rose where all the patrons are given randomly selected parlay bets on the outcomes of MLB games that night. Papa needs a new pair of shoes!

Green Bay Packer Fans could wear cheese-hats, oh wait…

South Park Teaches Cheating

How do I reach these keeds! Hilarious.

A GOOD Week

You’re telling me. Andy Roddick may have just had one of the best weeks in the history of mankind. He picked up a new BFF (you might have heard of him, Terrell Owens) and an engagement to Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Brooklyn Decker. Damn him. Oh yeah, he also beat Roger Federer (who HASN’T this year) for the first time in the past 11 tries. Yadda yadda yadda. That losing streak covers like 10 years. Roddick has now officially completed everything on his Bucket List. Anyways, here's another picture for you to enjoy. Don’t say I never did anything for you.


In the spirit of being fair to all of our readers, here is a picture of A-Roddick for the ladies out there (and of course Bob). Sidenote: are tennis players required to be tools or is it just a coincidence? He must work out.

In related news, Federer greatly regretting doing that Gillette Ad Campaign with buddy Tiger Woods. Many analysts have pointed to the gayness of these commercials having lead to his recent fall in the tennis rankings. He has yet to win a tournament this year.

When Animals Strike... Out

You know you have all thought about it before. Every time the Discovery Channel runs a special on gorillas and their uncanny ability to reason like humans, you think it. It was only a matter of time. And now baseball marks the beginning of the end. Animals have made up their mind, putting their respective talons/paws into the circle of sporting events...

As if baseball needed to add more fuel to the Red Sox vs. Yankees rivalry (all the media outlets do more than enough already), now we have Mother Nature weighing in on the discussion. Yes, apparently the red-tailed Hawks of the world are pulling for the Sox. Which side the always cantankerous Sea Otters will fall has yet to be determined. But what is known is the fact that if you are named anything remotely close to Alex Rodriguez, steer clear of Fenway. 13 year old Alexa Rodriguez (no relation) was taking a tour of Boston's Ballpark today when she was abruptly attacked by a hawk. Coincidence? I think not.

The only the logical conclusion is that the Boston Grounds Crew has been training this Hawk to attack anytime Alex Rodriguez enters the ballpark. Much like Derek Zoolander and the song Relax, this bird has been preconditioned to strike whenever the code word is spoken. Obviously the Hawk mistook Alexa for pretty boy Yankee third baseman and primary target Alex Rodriguez.
But this does pose the question; how many teams are employing animal services in their tactics to win titles? We already know the U.S. armed forces utilizes the skills of dolphins in complicated underwater bomb-defusing operations. And of course the power of dolphins in sporting events is well-documented by Snowflake in Ace Ventura. If I had to guess the percentage of teams using animal espionage I would say it is at least 82%. Some might say that is too low, but my gut says this is just as commonplace as Jose Canseco injecting dudes in the butt. It happens a lot.

All you have to do is look at the MLB Postseason las year, or as I like to call it When Flies Attack! Yankees were playing in Cleveland with Joba Chamberlain on the mound pitching well when all of a sudden things changed dramatically. Cleveland released their secret weapon. Flies swarmed Yankee players causing millions of people to feel really itchy. And most importantly resulting in Joba throwing wild pitch after wild pitch costing the Yankees the game. Nature always wins my friends. Think about it.

NBA ‘07-’08 Season: The Primary Metaphor

Please allow me an absurd analogy. After all, that’s what I do. The NBA ’07-’08 Playoff season is just like the Presidential Primary season this year. The Western Conference is clearly the Democratic Party while the Eastern Conference represents the GOP. The West is loaded with talent (Clinton and Obama) while the East is old and boring (McCain). The West will undoubtedly beat each other up on the road to the finals weakening its prospects in the BIG game. The East’s strategy: get one solid team to represent them and let them cruise into the finals. Much akin to the Republican’s campaign machine built on personal attacks and fear mongering (remember the melee at the palace- that’s all East baby).

The winner out of the West will probably come down to some crazy ruling by David Stern like suspending Amare Stoudemire for stepping on the court last year in the Conference Finals during the Nash/Horry altercation. David Stern clearly represents the Democratic National Committee Chair Howard Dean in this analogy. All too ready to muck up the primaries with rulings in Florida and Michigan. In the end, if the East winner takes the ultimate prize then there will be mass revolutions and rioting in the world. And confirmation that the few with great power and money have more say and influence than the majority. Yaaaay democracy!

Video Games CAN Save The World

I always knew that those movies about the nerdy kid who sat at home playing video games yet somehow uses his knowledge to save the world were realistic. We CAN do it! The proof is in the pudding (still not sure what that phrase means but sounded right there).

As if the Wii and iPhone needed any more positive marketing... apparently now the military will be using the Wiimote in sophisticated bomb detection. The Packbot (made by iRobot) searches for bombs and disposes of them out in the battle field. Who controls these robots? Well, if you have mastered the Wii sports games then even you could be the next operator. The military also plans to use the iPhone in coordination with the Wiimote as its size and transportability make for an ideal match.

So the next time the world is about the come to an end and the hopes are resting with one pimply faced teenager, fear not because his Wii skills and iPhone talents are just what the doctor ordered! I feel better already.